The 2013 NFL Draft begins in mere hours. You have been inundated with, and yet still yearn for, mock drafts, draft profiles, and prospect rankings. Your desire to discover the thinnest sliver of insight has led you here, to the 1st Annual Mock Draft Mock Draft, where mock draft mockers and mockees are unabashedly mocked with supreme bias. The brain child of three men with sources familiar to situations, the 1st Annual Mock Draft Mock Draft is an an attempt to spit in the face of the establishment, to buck the system, to break the monotony of the hundreds of mock drafts that provide no more and no less information to NFL fans than an NHL injury report.
This unique brand of mock draft mockery consists of twenty-one total selections, three picks per round for seven rounds. It’s the moment the mock drafters haven’t been waiting for and will never forget because it’s impossible to forget something you don’t know about. Each selection was thoughtfully and deliberately decided, and any mock drafter not selected was purposely not selected with unintentional intent.
So mock drafters beware. No reach is long enough, no stock too high or too low, no mouth loud enough, nor is any board big enough for the raw subjectivity illustrated below. Jordy, James, and Dave are not normal men. Normal men mock drafts. These men mock those men.
1st Overall – Jordy
Having the first pick in our “Draft Mockers Mock Draft” was a little nerve racking for me. I had the power to start off our mock draft as either light-hearted and funny or serious and informative. Needless to say, I became DRUNK with that power. I almost made the rest of the picks for Dave and James so theirs would follow suit. No I’m kidding, these guys are way more intelligent and witty than me, but without further ado my first pick in the “Draft Mockers Mock Draft” is MATT MILLEN!!! “WHOA, what a monkey wrench Jordan, he’s not even a mock drafter!” Yeah well he wasn’t a GM before the Lions made him one either! That’s the American dream right there.
This was really a no brainer for me. I need a guy who has made a TON of mistakes over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again so he can eventually (10 years or so) learn from them. Now obviously selecting Matt Millen first overall can only mean one thing, my team will be drafting a WR in the first round! And most likely miss! ALTHOUGH there is a small chance he could stumble upon the next Calvin Johnson for me. Who knows?! NO ONE DOES. That’s the Matt Millen Magic. (Or M^3 as he likes to be called) The best part about this pick is in 5 years only 3 of his picks will remain. It’ll be like he never even existed!
Dave: Holy shit. This is bigger than when the Asians took Wu Tang Clan in the Racial Draft. Matt Millen, this guy is the total package. Terrible talent evaluator, terrible roster management and he’s actually done it. Is it possible to have the steal of the draft with the #1 pick?
James: How the hell do I follow that?
2nd Overall – James
Damn… That Matt Millen selection is pure genius. I nearly Mike Tice’d my 2nd pick to Dave, but… I thrive under pressure. You know who else thrives under pressure? Philadelphia’s former mayor and PA’s authoritative “Guv” of sports, Ed Rendell. Okay, so he’s not a mock drafter, but he should be. And he’s not my selection here, but he came to mind and initiated my train of thought…
I actually enjoy Rendell’s contributions on CSN, talk radio, and Philly.com. I think it’s great that he loves the city of Philadelphia and its sports teams as much as he does. He’s a fan, just like us. However, the one thing that drives me crazy about him is the way his spit collects at the corner of his mouth, forming some kind of mouth cheese. Which reminded me of this time I saw Brian Billick speak. He also had some mouth cheese. One day I watched him on tv and thought to myself “wipe your mouth wipe your mouth wipe your mouth please wipe your mouth”. But he didn’t. Instead, I wiped mine and drank some water.
So for today’s mock drafter’s mock, I’m drinking the Brian Billick kool aid. Like Matt Millen, he is a war room vet. He is a master drafter, but an even better mock drafter. His massive 10 player mock with Eric Fisher falling to the Cardinals is pure mouth cheese. Enjoyable with the occasional glass of whine.
Dave: Anytime you can take a guy who was part of an epic draft day blunder and that traded up to get Kyle Boller, you have to do it.
3rd Overall – Dave
I didn’t see this run on former NFL shot callers coming. Normally I would stick to my board, but that would go against the spirit of this draft. I have to get one before I’m left empty handed. I need a guy who’s been in the trenches, someone with actual draft day experience that I can build my team around. I need Mike Tannenbaum. Tannenbaum has everything you could want. Big time bust? Vernon Gholston. Trade up for a shitty QB? Mark Sanchez. Trade draft picks on an aging team for a backup? Tim Tebow. Reach for a project player at a position you desperately need production at? Stephen Hill. Fail to stock the cupboard, defeating the entire point of the draft? Seven total picks in 2009 and 2010. Tannenbaum had good drafts in 2006 and 2007, but then he lived off that reputation for five years. That kind of staying power is hard to find. Mike Tannenbaum, he’s not the mock drafter I want, he’s the mock drafter I need.
4th overall – Jordy
I’ll admit, I almost grabbed Mike Tannenbaum first overall. That’s GREAT value for him to fall to the third pick. My 2nd round pick is my biggest sleeper pick. Ryan Lownes is a young aspiring GM who writes for Bleacher Report and draftbreakdown.com. He’s thorough and original and unlike that fraud Howie he is from the Philly area. He even tweeted the other day the Eagles would be his number one choice job. Good, the sooner that cheap Howie Roseman is gone, the better. Pair him with Matt Millen and that’s a perfect yin and yang.
Dave – I’m weary of Bleacher Report mock drafters. They put up huge numbers, but they’re in a system that inflates stats. As a college undergrad he’s a project player. As a college undergrad who’s tweeting about prospects on a Saturday night, he’s probably a loser.
5th overall – James
*Abruptly hangs up phone and sprints to podium, speaks quickly* And with the second pick of the second round, I select Gil Brandt from NFL.com because he’s old and probably going to die soon! *Catches breath, speaks slowly* I mean… he is a wise sage.
Dave: Pro: Gil Brandt was a draft pioneer. In the 60s he was the first to use computers to analyze prospects. Con: He still uses the same computers today.
6th overall – Dave
I need a home run hitter. I need someone who makes big plays. And for the last three years, no mock drafter has made bigger headlines than Nolan Nawrocki. Like many other mock drafters, he watches tape, he talks to scouts and executives and gets their feedback, he knows the business. But lots of guys do. I’m drafting Nawrocki because he brings an element to the table that no one else does: racism. That’s a game changer.
7th overall – Jordy
I’ve added a former (bad) GM, an up and coming scout and now it’s time to give my team some star power. With the 7th pick my pick is Mel Kiper Jr. Yes, “The Hair” finally comes off the board. He doesn’t need to watch film, all he needs is to get in front of that camera and spew nonsense to be seen by millions. He said Jamarcus Russell reminded him of John Elway and that’s the kind of guy I need.
Dave: ESPN has a Mel Kiper Draft Tool, which is fitting because Kiper is a tool. And it is only available through Insider, which is a shame because paying for Insider cuts into your hair care product budget, so you can’t really be just like Mel Kiper. Kiper has a mock where Detroit trades up to #1 to get Milliner. That’s gold.
James: Sorry fellas, but Nolan is a round two reach. His racism to sexism ratio is just too high. And Kiper isn’t even on my board anymore… Too many off field drug issues, low Wonderlic, and his 6.1 second 40 better befits an NCAA D-III lacrosse announcer than a top mock daft prospect. He’s a talking wig.
8th overall – James
However, if you want to talk about third round value, I will take a guy who addth exthellent depth at the prothpect ranking pothithion, one of the motht rethpected mock drafterth in the game today, the man who put-th the “mock” in Mayock, Mike… uh… Mayock. And one time, on the way to Radio City Music Hall, he taught he taw a putty tat. He did. He did.
Dave: Mayock wasn’t high on my board. There’s no substance. He has no ability to talk out of his ass and his marathon conference calls are legendary for the volume of information. However he was a bit of a late riser for not having his board locked down a week out, and I do like that he rated Gerald McCoy ahead of Ndamukong Suh. And the past few years he’s banged the drum on “if you think this guy is a franchise QB then you draft him no matter what” about guys who are definitely not franchise QBs like Jake Locker, Christian Ponder, Josh Freeman, Mark Sanchez and Blaine Gabbert. Nobody’s perfect.
9th overall – Dave
Speaking of not perfect, my next pick. As we all know, quarterback is the lifeblood of a team in the NFL. If you don’t have one you’re toast, and if you draft one high and fail it probably means your job. I need someone who has the QB mock draft market locked down. Someone who once rightly said that Brady Quinn wasn’t a top 10 player but had him 7th on his board. Who thought Jimmy Clausen was a top 10 pick. Who thought Jevan Snead, after leading the NCAA in interceptions, was a top 5 QB, causing Snead to come out early and wind up going undrafted. Who said Andre Woodson would go 14th overall, instead Woodson went in the 6th round. But this person isn’t a one trick pony. He predicts the 1st round of the next year’s draft right after the current one ends. His 2010 mock draft right after the 2009 draft had players who wound up never being drafted. He said 7 WRs would go in the 2008 1st round, none went in the 1st. In 2008 Matt Ryan got the first six picks correct. This guy didn’t.
You can have your Mel Kiper. You can have your Mike Mayock. Give me Todd McShay.
Jordy: Mayock and McShay back to back? I’m glad you grabbed Todd because I didn’t want him to fall and me pick him up. Sometimes the tension between him and Kiper in the “War Room” segments is so palpable that I’m surprised any work gets done. Then I realized work probably isn’t being done anyway.
10th overall – Jordy
Which made my next pick fit in perfectly. This guy isn’t really a scout, or draft guy or anything more than a puppet really. Jason LaCanfora had some interesting things to say about Howie Roseman a couple months that really pissed me off. Not knowing anything will get him fired sooner which would be better for me. So this is pick is entirely selfish on my part just so LaCanfora can fail and the rumor around the league can be “No one wants to work with LaCanfora.” Which I’m surprised isn’t already being said at CBS Sports.
Dave: OOOH!!!! The Eagles contingent here in attendance goes absolutely nuts! Shoulder Pads Guy is freaking out right now. This is worse than when McNabb got drafted. How could you do this Jordy? Why must you turn your back on us this way? HAVE YOU NO SHAME?
James: Haha LaCanfora! Hahahaha! LaCanfora! Ha! McShay, on the other hand, is a decent selection. Looking at your squad, Dave, you actually needed someone to fill in the too-ugly-for-TV role. McShay does it quite nicely.
11th overall – James
And I think you took a peak at my big board. I need Mayock to fill in where my next selection falls behind… with language skills. I need someone who can justify his mocks with generic ease, a one sentence wonder. My next pick is concise and leaves plenty of room for debate. With one brief sentence, often in ten words or less, he is able to capture the essence of a team’s intention, and a player’s worth. Look at the simple and brief brilliance of his thoughtful analyses (note, these are comprehensive thoughts on indvidual draft picks):
- They have to improve the pass rush.
- They can’t pass up on this power player.
- Have you seen the middle of their defense?
- Can you imagine adding this pass rusher to their defense?
These thoughts could be applied to any team on the draft board. But this guy doesn’t care. You want him to give you a mock draft to meet a deadline? Sure, but only if he can forget to include quarterbacks. Unapologetically, my pick is Pete Prisco.
Dave: Prisco!!!! I think you’ve been looking at my board! I had Prisco pretty high. His fearlessness in his predictions is as good as anyone’s, and he’s tenacious, always mixing it up on twitter with people who have different opinions, including co-workers. All with a smugness that makes sportswriters everywhere proud. What he lacks in ability to scout, he makes up for in bravado. Rex Ryan would love his swagger. That’s a great pick by you, he’s the anti-Mayock. They could be a crappy buddy cop show on CBS.
12th overall – Dave
I remember one year out of boredom a co-worker who enjoys the draft and I decided to make a mock draft. We got 8 right, Mel Kiper got 9. We felt pretty good about that. But analysts have to hate this. Mel Kiper spent so much time watching tape and grading players and he did one pick better than a couple of guys who did it for kicks in 20 minutes. That’s one of the fun things about mock drafts: anyone can do them. I’m going to prove this by selecting the lowest of the low: Bleacher Report Contributors. Not their senior writers and what not, I’m talking about the lowest rung on the B/R scale. With this year’s draft being so hard to predict, it can be said it’s anyone’s guess who goes where and what many teams do. So why not truly make it anyone’s guess, and give the keys to some of the worst of Bleacher Report?
Jordy: What a great pick; instead of getting just one guy, you essentially get the hundred or so people in the Bleacher Report Comments to make a slideshow and throw crap at a wall to see if it sticks. Much like Bleacher Report itself.
To announce our fifth round picks, we each have selected a Eagles draft bust.
13th overall – Jordy
When people think of the Philadelphia Eagles only one thing comes to their mind: No Super Bowls!!! So its only fitting that the Eagles draft bust to announce my pick is Jay Berwanger. Yes, the first player ever be picked in a draft was picked by the Philadelphia Eagles in 1936. He never played a down of football for us as his negotiating rights were traded to the Chicago Bears after not wanting to pay him $1,000 per game. Seems cheapness has run through this organization for a long time.
*Jay Berwanger walks to the podium* “You can pay that Kurt Coleman $2,000,000 but cant give me $1,000 per game!”
*Shoulder Pads Guy head butts a fellow Eagles fan*
Jay Berwanger: “But whatever the 16th pick is, ah hell, its JON GRUDEN”
Yes, I got my former GM and now I got my former coach. A recipe for success. Jon Gruden’s best attribute is how much he loves every prospect. If you’ve watched Gruden’s QB Camp you know he talks about every player as if he would take them with the first pick. And when I pick a guy who later will bust I need them to have that “I’m the best mentality” because it will be that much sweeter.
Dave: Normally I would say that using drafts from that era is a waste, as football was so different back then. BUT that was the first pick in the first NFL draft in history, and they took him even though they knew they wouldn’t meet his salary demands. He was the first JD Drew. Great choice!
This Gruden guy, let me tell you something. This guy is a guru! You can’t pass on that when you have the chance. This guy was a head coach for 11 years and his teams drafted and developed a grand total of five Pro Bowlers, and two of them were special teamers! You can not match that kind of production.
James: Ok Dave, let me get this straight. Instead of picking an actual person, you selected a countless number of trolls hiding under B/R umbrellas, many of whom may or may not mock the draft? Well, mock you sir! And Jordy, your affinity for surfer-dude good looks aside, does Gruden even have a mock draft? His QB Camp would be so much better if it involved giving each player his “Chuckie” face for five straight minutes. Without saying a word. Nose to nose. Five. Awkward. Minutes. That would be great television.
Regarding Jay Berwanger… great choice. He might be the ultimate draft bust. He was the first “Heisman” winner (in quotes because the award was called something else), drafted number one overall, rights traded to Chicago, and he never play a down after college. Can you imagine the amount of regret that grew over time?
14th overall – James
Speaking of regret, my next selection will be announced by the winner of “rock, paper, scissors, lizzard, spock”. The players are Eagles’ first round draftees between 1993-97…
In unison, “Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, spock!”
So, since paper covers rock and disproves Spock, Bernard Williams will announce my selection. (By the way, I really did this. I had no idea who was going to announce my pick, and had to look up the rules to see who won.)
*Bernie deeply inhales weed*
“What the hell am I doing? You want who? You’re gonna get whoever I goddamn tell you you’re gonna get. Where’s my blunter?”
*Walks to mic, inhales, picks up mic*
“I’m hungry. You’re getting Ray Didinger.”
*Exhales, drops mic to ground, goes somewhere*
So there you go. Ray Didinger is my selection. The guy who watches more NFL film than any human alive. The guy who emerges from the NFL Films vault only when called upon. The guy whose mock drafts may only be heard, not read. He’s a living legend. A Hall of Famer. A reach in Round 5, but go ahead, just try to mock it!
Jordy: I’m dying hahaha. You paint such a vivid picture I can imagine Ray crawling out of his office blinded by how bright the sun is, pale as hell and cranky that he had to be disturbed from his winter slumber.
Dave: Didinger’s a good guy and knows his stuff, but he has only half the resume that my next pick has. But first, let me bring out a guy who knows a thing or two about blowing up mock drafts.
15th overall – Dave
Thanks to some luck from James, I, unlike my second choice Jerome McDougle (they traded up for him!), dodged a bullet (HIYO!) and I’m pleased that he is available. To announce my pick is a name that should immediately anger Eagles fans. You may remember him as the guy that Ray Rhodes said was the next Too Tall Jones. You might also remember that the team kept talking about his wingspan, as if they just signed a center to play for the Sixers. This was a bust from the get go, a pick so bad that it was immediately criticized on draft day. Yes, please welcome the one, the only, Jon Harris.
“Thanks. I just wanted to thank Dave for taking me over Danny Watkins. Well, on to the pick. You know, you can never have too many experts in the room on draft day. A former NFL executive, that guy is an expert. A sports talk radio host? He knows he’s an expert. Why not take both at the same time, a guy who is an expert and knows it? With the 12th pick in the draft, which I handed in from across the room while seated, Dave selects former Washington Redskins Vice President of Player Personel and current Baltimore sports talk radio host Vinny Cerrato. Even he wouldn’t draft me. He’d have drafted Jim Druckenmiller. Oh wait… he did.”
Jordy: The subtle “dodged the bullet” line was absolute perfection. And anyone that was in the Player Personnel department for the Redskins is a good guy in my book. After all he was a part of the group who helped sign Albert Haynesworth for that ridiculous contract during that uncapped year. And luckily for us Eagles fans, The Redskins are actually still being punished this year in cap space to a tune of $15 Million dollars. Vinny, is the gift that keeps on giving.
16th overall – Jordy
*Sirens blaring in the background*
*A firetruck busts through Radio City Music Hall and a drunk Danny Watkins jumps out wearing only a fire hat and firemen overalls*
“My AARP card just arrived WOOOOOO!!! That makes this announcement that much sweeter!!! I am proud to announce the 1st pick of the 6th round is a man who never would have drafted me (Danny Watkins) in the first round, Bill Polian!!”
Now I know Bill Polian has a pretty good track record. If you drafted Peyton Manning you should be giving a livelong pass in the draft. That would actually all Id say in the draft room.
“Yeah I think we should draft Jerry Hughes”-Bill Polian
“But Bill hell be a bust”- Jim Irsay
“I DRAFTED PEYTON”-BP
“Okay okay” Jimmy.
But hes not without his faults. He said that when The Broncos released Kyle Orton he was worth a third round pick. Also if you could have seen him acting like a magnetic board was a touch screen board today on NFL Live you would have died from crying. And hes also saying that Landry Jones is the best QB in this draft class. Now he could be right but luckily for Colts fans he isn’t choosing the players anymore.
Dave: Oh man, great pick. I had him as a late riser after that performance. To get that kind of bravado in the 6th round is good value. Speaking of value, that La Canfora pick just added some with his Mingo over Jordan tweet.
James: Excellent choices fellas! What better mock drafters to mockily draft than two guys, Polian and Cerrato, who were fired for doing their jobs so well. Cerrato was even fired twice by the same team (ok, the second time he “resigned”, but he was asked to).
17th overall – James
One guy who is in absolutely no danger of being fired is someone who is self-employed. Granted, I think this guy could have been an undrafted free agent, but I wasn’t sure if one of you had him in your sights. At any rate, I need a guy who can compile other people’s mock drafts, someone who issues countless mocks, each one as different as the one before it because, let’s face it, one of them has to be right. And he offers versatility. Do you need someone to grade each team’s draft on Sunday? I don’t. Nope, I need someone who can mock a draft and then issue draft grades on his own mock draft. For example, IF the Chiefs draft Luke Joeckel, the grade is B-, because, of course, the Chiefs traded for Alex Smith too soon. Makes sense to me! Plus, it’s pre-emptive draft grading! Pure genius. So it goes without saying that my next selection is the guy who put the “football” in his name, Johnny’s older cousin, Walter Cherepinsky!
Dave: That is an outstanding pick. I figured he would go off the board earlier.
18th overall – Dave
Like Jordy, I’m grabbing a late riser with my 6th round pick. He knows his football, and he knows his snark. Compared to the mock drafters we’ve selected he’s raw, but I like this kid’s potential. I admit going into the this he wasn’t even on my board at all, but he just turned in a Mike Mamula at The Combine type of performance, and you can’t pass that up in this draft. Maybe I could have gotten him as a UDFA, but what’s a Mock Draft Mock Draft without a few reaches? He also can help design our logo with his renown artistic skills. My next selection is Jimmy Kempski!
Jordy: Wow Walter Football AND Jimmy Beast back to back? Maybe the best combination of picks in this whole draft. Walter Football is known for self plagiarizing and coveting the “natural guard position” while Jimmy just posted a 15,852 word mock draft. That’s some dedication right there. The best thing about Jimmy is that he is loved by all NFC East fans not just us Eagles fans.
19th overall – Jordy
Now I admit I had an entire different pick in mind for my last pick but you guys convinced me to change it. Its like the 2011 draft and you guys just selected Jake Locker and Blaine Gabbert and I’m the panicking Vikings. My last pick is none other than the original Dave Spadaro!! He tells you who he doesn’t watch film and doesn’t know prospects but that wont stop him from telling you what exact player he wants. Hes always so happy and pumped for the Eagles, not to mention I bet his closet is filled with sweet Eagles gear. He’s never flipped out on fans asking dumb questions and that easy going attitude is the final piece needed to my team.
Dave: That’s a total reach. Spuds doesn’t have the swagger or chip on his shoulder that it takes to make it when you’re a 7th rounder.
James: Haha, I kind of like the Spadaro selection. I wouldn’t take him, but Jordy’s team really needs a guy who lacks a killer instinct. Well done. I also love the Kempski pick. He’s the high motor/big heart kind of guy that you love to get in the later rounds.
20th overall – James
I have to be honest. I don’t know too much about my last pick. He’s a bit of a wildcard. I don’t think anyone from the D-II Fox Sports league has been drafted yet, so I’m going to take a flier. This guy has produced several mock drafts, and his latest is a full seven-rounder with trades. Admittedly, it’s written in less words than Kempski’s, but I like him because he has the Eagles drafting Dion Jordan fourth overall, then mortgaging their first round pick next year and second rounder this year to Pittsburgh in order to ‘Nabb Geno Smith at the 17 spot. Yup… Jordan and Geno both in the first round, and no first rounder next year. In short, this guy provides me with the unpredictability and slight insanity that you would expect from a 7th round special teamer. He’s a potential wedge buster. Or long snapper. Who really knows? Key word: “Cherry.” My pick is Peter Schrager.
Dave: Drafting a guy who did a 7 round mock–with trades!–in the 7th round is perfection. Well done sir. But you missed an obvious mock drafter that was staring you, yes you James, right in the face.
21st overall – Dave
The Mr. Irrelevant of the 2013 Mock Draft Mock Draft is…..
James’ Chaos Theory Draft Simulator!
It never sleeps, it never takes a day off, it never stops mock drafting. It is quite literally a mock draft machine. Well, program, but when SkyNet takes over it’ll be a machine too.
James: Hahaha… Dammit man! The Mr. Irrelevant title is apt, but I was hoping to sign as an undrafted free agent to Jordy’s team! Oh well. My only contract demand is beer. I WILL hold out.
Round 1: Matt Millen
Round 2: Ryan Lownes
Round 3: Mel Kiper Jr.
Round 4: Jason LaCanfora
Round 5: Jon Gruden
Round 6: Bill Polian
Round 7: Dave Spadaro
Round 1: Brian Billick
Round 2: Gil Brandt
Round 3: Mike Mayock
Round 4: Pete Prisco
Round 5: Ray Didinger
Round 6: Walter Cherepinsky
Round 7: Peter Schrager
Round 1: Mike Tannenbaum
Round 2: Nolan Nawrocki
Round 3: Todd McShay
Round 4: Bleacher Report Contributors
Round 5: Vinny Cerrato
Round 6: Jimmy Kempski
Round 7: Chaos Theory Draft Simulator
Post Draft Analysis
By Dan Klausner. Later, Dan shares some Deep Thoughts.
Each participant had a clear focus in mind for the first pick: Someone who had formerly worked and held the highest ranking team position in the league itself. Two GMs and a head coach. There’s no substitute for experience, and it’s clear Jordy, James and Dave put a premium on that. Excellent scouting, excellent identification of talent.
I really didn’t see the Millen pick coming from Jordy, but the more I think about it, the more I love it. Jordy’s explanation sold me. A failed GM who not only continues to show why he failed but also was right in the middle of ESPN’s Penn State/Sandusky coverage… this is the kind of cornerstone around which you can build a franchise. Total package.
James found the perfect blend of pedigree, winning and post-coaching-career idiocy is Brian Billick. This is a home run pick. The man won a Super Bowl, for Christ’s sake! It seems that in each successive game that he broadcasts, Billick says something more ridiculous and hilariously untrue. Anybody who refers to Kevin Kolb as having a strong arm and shows such blatant disregard for even elementary research is a special kind of arrogant. I mean, this guy has clearly mailed it in, and he don’t give a FUCK… just flash that Super Bowl ring, dude. As much as I can’t stand listening to Billick on TV, I can’t help but have this perverse respect for him, and I hate myself for it.
Dave’s pick of Mike Tannenbaum is interesting. Who really was behind the Mark Sanchez contract extension? Who was really behind the Tim Tebow trade? We know who ended up taking the fall, but doesn’t that just reek of an owner-mandated publicity move? I don’t think Tannenbaum is a particular good GM, and he did everything but impress me on Hard Knocks, but I wonder how much the toxicity of the Jets organization played into his downfall. The fact that he signed a three-year contract with an agency makes me question just how bad he really wants IT, you know? Seems like a quitter to me.
Jordy – Ryan Lownes. Didn’t see this coming, but it does balance out the Millen pick. Perfect combination of past incompetence on a consistent basis with the appeal of a prospect with potential, high upside and future promise. Regardless, I couldn’t help but wonder if Jordy had an agenda here. Are he and Ryan chummy? Did Ryan promise him a front office job once he catches on with an NFL team in exchange for this selection? I demand an investigation.
James – Peter Schrager. Have you ever watched Schrager on TV or read his work? Have you even just taken a look at his picture? Tell me this dude doesn’t scream “raging douche.” I’ll always remember during the slate of bowl games when he slammed Geno Smith while simultaneously admitting he’d never studied his tape, then anointed E.J. Manuel as a top-10 pick based solely on his performance against Northern Illinois. That’s good stuff.
Dave – Jimmy Kempski. I have a special affinity for ol’ Jimmy K. He not only rose from the ranks of regular blog commenter to legitimate and next-big-thing (just wait, it’s coming) media member, but he was the wingman for my first ever live media experience when I sat in the press box for the Eagles 2012 season opener against the Browns. Jimmy’s a funny motherfucker, with a distinguishing, hyena-like laugh to match, and he’s not afraid to tell it like it is and call out others on their bullshit. He announced his presence this draft season in a big way and made a late rush up Dave’s board with a stunningly in-depth, 15,000+-word mock draft that included specific articles for each team and was released in 20-minute intervals throughout Tuesday. But the real beauty of Kempski is that he’s an astute, smart guy who can talk, analyze and break down football in simple, relatable enough terms — to the lowest common denominator — for even the non-sophisticated fan. It’s a rare, special ability. I keep saying: A major sports media company would be wise to hire him.
Best value/sleeper picks for each team:
Jordy – Dave Spadaro. The value here is perfect. Spuds is an organization lapdog for the Eagles, but, come on, that’s what he’s paid to do. Don’t act like you wouldn’t accept his job in a second if it was offered. What a sweet fucking gig. He also got to spit on the Cowboys’ prestigious star logo at midfield and DIDN’T GET FIRED (though it was probably a pretty close call)! All he had to do was apologize. Dave understands his role as a mouthpiece and fan liaison; he doesn’t pretend to be something he’s not, and that’s something I admire. He’s a cool, regular guy to to hang out with with and has a different persona from what’s shared on the air and in print. My one gripe: Spadaro doesn’t really fit the “mock drafter” category. Still, I’m willing to bet on his potential as a bullshitter and think the value as a 7th round gamble lines up.
James – Ray Didinger. I love Diddy, he’s the authority on all things Eagles. A remarkably genuine fellow who does his best to connect with fans, he has been personally responding to to my emails for years. Even though he’s been conspicuously absent from CSNPhilly.com this draft season as a print contributor, his track record as an analyst and general talent evaluator speaks for itself. As a sagely figure who’s seen it all, he’s high on knowledge, low on bullshit, understands his limitations and represents tremendous value in the 5th round. He could even become this team’s anchor.
Dave – Vinny Cerrato. Having lived in Washington, DC, for the past 6 years, I feel I have a special appreciation for Cerrato’s ineptitude, who, while really just a puppet for Dan Snyder, was plenty terrible on his own. You wouldn’t believe some of the stories I’ve heard. Well, maybe you would. One involves Cerrato and other Redskins’ brass bringing third-party/media draft publications into the war room to guide the team’s selections. Another involves a college classmate who interned with the Redskins and at one point was summoned to Cerrato’s house to serve as a waiter at a party. Long story short: Cerrato got so drunk that he passed out and face-planted on the porch, busted up his face and had to be dragged inside and put to bed on a couch while the rest of the party carried on. Also, Albert Haynesworth.
SUPER SLEEPER: Chaos Theory Draft Simulator. It is, literally, a machine. Supplementing the human element with the infallible calculations and nonstop motor of a computer? Genius! An X-factor if ever there was one.
Best team: Jordy. Neither Dave nor James can touch Jordy’s mix of NFL GM and coaching talent. He’s got two former GMs, one of which is known as the perhaps the worst in league history, and the other helped build the late-80′s/early-90′s Bills and won a Super Bowl with the Colts. Now they’re both talking heads in the media, exposed to the ridicule of fans and wannabes everywhere. Is there a more dynamic duo? Actually, yes, because make that a dynamic trio! Getting Jon Gruden, the new John Madden, in the 5th round is the kind of steal Jordy will tell his grandchildren about. And on top of that he was able to add the world’s most visible and famous draft “analyst” himself in Mel Kiper, the original TV promoter of this cottage industry, who barely even watches tape anymore and just talks in generalities with his trademark bloviation, dramatic pauses and now thinning hair. Jason La Canfora, who looks AND acts as the douchiest of all douches who have ever douched, is just the cherry on the top. Brilliant team building by Jordy. He has an undeniable eye for talent.