The 2013 NFL Draft begins in mere hours. You have been inundated with, and yet still yearn for, mock drafts, draft profiles, and prospect rankings. Your desire to discover the thinnest sliver of insight has led you here, to the 1st Annual Mock Draft Mock Draft, where mock draft mockers and mockees are unabashedly mocked with supreme bias. The brain child of three men with sources familiar to situations, the 1st Annual Mock Draft Mock Draft is an an attempt to spit in the face of the establishment, to buck the system, to break the monotony of the hundreds of mock drafts that provide no more and no less information to NFL fans than an NHL injury report.
This unique brand of mock draft mockery consists of twenty-one total selections, three picks per round for seven rounds. It’s the moment the mock drafters haven’t been waiting for and will never forget because it’s impossible to forget something you don’t know about. Each selection was thoughtfully and deliberately decided, and any mock drafter not selected was purposely not selected with unintentional intent.
So mock drafters beware. No reach is long enough, no stock too high or too low, no mouth loud enough, nor is any board big enough for the raw subjectivity illustrated below. Jordy, James, and Dave are not normal men. Normal men mock drafts. These men mock those men.
1st Overall – Jordy
Having the first pick in our “Draft Mockers Mock Draft” was a little nerve racking for me. I had the power to start off our mock draft as either light-hearted and funny or serious and informative. Needless to say, I became DRUNK with that power. I almost made the rest of the picks for Dave and James so theirs would follow suit. No I’m kidding, these guys are way more intelligent and witty than me, but without further ado my first pick in the “Draft Mockers Mock Draft” is MATT MILLEN!!! “WHOA, what a monkey wrench Jordan, he’s not even a mock drafter!” Yeah well he wasn’t a GM before the Lions made him one either! That’s the American dream right there.
This was really a no brainer for me. I need a guy who has made a TON of mistakes over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again so he can eventually (10 years or so) learn from them. Now obviously selecting Matt Millen first overall can only mean one thing, my team will be drafting a WR in the first round! And most likely miss! ALTHOUGH there is a small chance he could stumble upon the next Calvin Johnson for me. Who knows?! NO ONE DOES. That’s the Matt Millen Magic. (Or M^3 as he likes to be called) The best part about this pick is in 5 years only 3 of his picks will remain. It’ll be like he never even existed!
Dave: Holy shit. This is bigger than when the Asians took Wu Tang Clan in the Racial Draft. Matt Millen, this guy is the total package. Terrible talent evaluator, terrible roster management and he’s actually done it. Is it possible to have the steal of the draft with the #1 pick?
James: How the hell do I follow that?